Love and Lobster Coastal New England Weddings

Many brides wrestle with the question of whether to have children. All that responsibility and expense, the emotional fortitude required, the potential joys and pitfalls. But we’re not talking about giving birth to the little bundles of joy, we’re talking about inviting them to the wedding.

Adorable in photos or attention-stealing nuisances? Integral parts of the family or $100-a-plate tagalongs? It’s up to you and your sweetheart to make the call. But keep in mind that few other decisions are as apt to draw complaint from your guests. Childless college pals hoping to get rowdy at the reception whine if you invite the kiddies, while your cousin takes offense that she can’t tote along little Emma if you don’t. Once you take a stand on the offspring issue, keep a few rules of etiquette in mind.

Go all or nothing. If children are invited to or part of the ceremony, don’t expect their parents to take them home before the reception. And never cherry-pick from among your guests’ children – if you invite one kid, invite them all. That is, unless you’d like to explain to your high school BFF why her little darling in particular didn’t make the invite list. Some experts say it’s ok to have children in the wedding party only while excluding guests’ kids.

Be clear. If you’ve chosen not to include children, indicate so on your invitations. “Adult reception” or “Adults only reception” will do – stay away from “No children” or equally blunt phrasing. If you’d rather be more subtle, spread the word at the bridal shower and other pre-wedding events that kids aren’t invited, but don’t be surprised if you get a few write-ins on your RSVPs. For couples who do want kids present, list their names on the inside RSVP card, along with the parents.

Think beyond the cost. If a tight budget has you leaning toward nixing kids you really want to share the big day with, check with your venue and/or caterer before finalizing the guest list. Many offer children’s menus at much lower prices, though you may have to specifically ask. What 10-year-old wants to eat poached salmon anyway?

Embrace the unexpected. Getting back to those write-ins. If a guest fails to take the hint (or chooses to ignore your explicit request) it’s appropriate to phone them ahead of time to reiterate that kids aren’t part of the plan. But if a guest shows up on the big day with unexpected tots in tow, channel your inner Zen master and welcome them all. Put an usher in charge of discreetly escorting parents with screeching babes to the lobby during the ceremony.

Make kid-friendly arrangements. You don’t have to turn your reception hall into a Chuck E. Cheese, but do consider the needs of the 12 and under set. Put out a low snack station with mac and cheese or fruit kebabs for the little ones to munch on while their parents nosh on bacon-wrapped scallops. And arrange for a separate area with games, videos and other fun activities for children to enjoy while the adults mingle. You’ll earn major brownie points if you hire a babysitter, too. Just don’t be surprised when your best man (or you!) winds up joining the tykes in the bounce house.